ramblings

Sometimes like now, I wonder,

What if I had chosen the other choice, would I still be;
staying closer to home?
believing that the whole world is one big home?
assuming the boundaries to be what they are supposed to be ...imaginary lines on a map?
placing love for mankind before all other types of love?
trusting promises and strangers?
closer to god?
hoping for a better tomorrow?
happy in the moment?

Now, all that is left to ponder is,
Why no place feels like home?
if the whole world is one big jungle which can be home to none?
whether it's the imaginary lines on the map that are to be blamed or our selfish minds?
If all forms of love are extinct except self love?
How to trust oneself?
Is god even real?
what's the point of tomorrow if it is going to be like today?

But the choice was not mine to be made.
It is the choice that life takes on behalf of us for us.
Growing up or not, letting go or holding on,
Some choices are not chosen by us.
Life choses them for us.

Iphone abuse: I made a decision

Like most smart phone users, the first thing I do as soon as I wake up in the morning is to check for 'facebook updates' in my iphone. This morning like every other morning, I was browsing my iphone half awake and half asleep. 

BANG

In a flash of a moment, my iphone fell from hands and hit my face. This crash landing of my iphone, left a tiny blood clot on my lower lip and a bigger impact on my mind.

To start a day like this is awful I thought. But then I realised, every other morning has been no different. I start my day with the ritual of checking my iphone and facebook which is equally awful. Though Iphone lets me do various activities with ease and saves me time, I realised,that is not how I use it. The way I am using it right now is only helping me to focus on everything that is unnecessary and procrastinate doing everything that needs to be.

So from today on, I got a few new rules for my iphone and laptop. I have revoked their right to stay in my room from 9.00 pm to 6.00am. My room is going to be tech free at least during the night. This way at least I can fall to sleep every night and wake up every morning thinking about 'thoughts' that are not nonsense.

p.s. gonna stick to my decision this time!

Strawberry banana smoothie

1 spoon honey, half a glass of water, 2-3 spoons yogurt, 2-4 strawberries, 1 banana

Tastes sweet adn fruity!!

Green smoothie

A cup of baby spinach, two-three spoons of yogurt, frozen: couple of red grapes, one banana, one red apple and a glass of water.

Tastes applish banana....but not spinach at all!

Fruit juice

3 oranges, 1 red apple, 1 green apple, handful of blue berries, two-three handfuls of red grapes, a glass of water.

Tastes sweet and slightly sour.

Green juice

Green juice: two cups of baby spinach, one frozen banana, half cup of frozen pinapples, 3 spoons of yogurt, 2 cups of water, one spoon honey and one spoon of pine seeds. 

It tastes so good and nothing like spinach at all. 

This is how it feels to be a Trichster.

If you want to support someone with an OCD/whatever issue...first be aware of it. Just don't give random advices. It only hurts and doesn't help. 

Trichotillomania is no fun. But making others understand how it feels to be a trichster is hell.  

It's been nearly a decade since I have been dealing with trichotillomania. It took nearly an year before somebody could even diagnose that I had it. Ever since then I have been trying not only to understand how to deal with it but also on how to make others around me understand what I go through.

Some trichsters** would not mind talking about trich*, some do not want to talk about it at all. I consider myself to be someone who is open to talk about it. But if you want to ask me questions like:
Why do you pull your hair?
Why can't you stop pulling your hair?
Why is it so hard to not pull your hair?
How does it make you feel, when you pull your hair?


The only answer I have for all the above questions is... "I DO NOT KNOW." 

There is no treatment yet for trichotillomania. Research is ongoing and maybe someday they will figure out a solution. But till then, I need to TRY to find one on my own, just like the millions of trichsters out there. 

I am not 100% free from the symptoms of Trichotillomania, doesn't mean I am doing nothing about it. It doesn't mean I have accepted the fact that Trich is a life long disorder/whatever. It just means....I need time, I am going to work it at a pace I am comfortable at. 

You do not know how it feels to be aware of your actions that cause self harm. It feels horrible. And if you want to blame me for having trich....I HAVEN'T CHOSEN IT. 

I know you would want the best for me....so do I. But you need to understand....trichotillomania is a roller coaster ride. There are ups and downs. I feel more anxious than you each time I have a NO 'pull free day'. But you blaming me, doesn't help. It only hurts.

If you really want to help a trichster.....LEARN ABOUT IT. Just don't  give random advices/orders/suggestions on WHAT TO DO or WHAT NOT TO DO. If you would rather chose to WALK OUT FROM MY LIFE SAYING I AM CRAZY, you are welcome to do so.

Anybody could have trich. Just because I have it and struggle to deal with it every single minute, doesn't make me any less determined than you in making the best of life. 

TRICHOTILLOMANIA LEARNING CENTER  (<--click here)

For More Resources: Google search words like:  tricotillomania / trichster

Trich* = Short form of Trichotillomania
Trichster**= A person who has trichotillomania

PS: Super frustrated. I am tired of being blamed for something I can not change.