Stranger

This incident happened sometime around June-2009.

 It was the third day of my Diploma course. I was damn too excited taking this course, for the fact that the University was almost an hour (15.5 miles) away from home. I loved the fact that I got to travel an hour & an hour every day.

Well, if you are someone like me, you would understand the simple pleasure of travelling idly and looking at the whole world around buzzing with activity, right? So was I, excited...super excited!

The first two days, were as awesome as I thought they would be. I would go in the auto rickshaw (<--click here if you do not know what I mean) and in the afternoon's Paddu (my bestest friend for the past 3 years) was with me to either guide me to take the right auto rickshaw back home or travel in the bus together.

I have parents, way too protective and it always so happened that the school or college I studied at, was never more than 5 miles away from my home. There was never a reason for me to get lost in the busy-busy roads of Hyderabad with people from all kinds & shades of life.

Travelling in the bus for the first time with Paddu, the previous day was super exciting. 'People-watching' is just not a fun activity; it was something more for me. Since I was a kid, I always found it amazing that no matter how many hundreds of faces I saw every day, they were always different...unique and to imagine that each one of them had a unique life...unique experiences that made them unique, made me wonder how smart god/nature was. Each time I saw someone new, I would make up the life they might be living, the fears they might be facing and what not in my tiny weenie head.

On the third day, I had to travel all alone to go back home, as Paddu was absent. I called Paddu in the afternoon, to ask her what bus I should be boarding.

Paddu was bewildered at my question and said, "Take an auto rickshaw, you never travelled in a bus alone!"

Are you going to be my mom now??  I thought to myself and told her, "Hey! I can manage. Is it 113? The bus no ??"

"YES!! Do call me if you need anything...Okay?!"Paddu said,  pleasantly surprised at my excitement.

"Sure!! Byeeee", I said as I hung up, all geared up for the adventure ahead.

I waited for the bus with the no. 113 for a while in the bus stop. I chose the one with less people in it and chose a comfortable window seat. I sat down with a big-big smile on my face and looked at the people around me. Probably, everyone must have thought I was crazy...I mean... not many would be glad to be travelling in an overly crowded bus. For the next 30-40 minutes, I was in a trance like state looking at the people getting in and out of the bus, looking at the people walking on the road, people in their vehicles as the bus stopped at every red signal. I loved this experience and the fact that I was all alone made it more fun!

I was proud of myself at my little achievement and was lost in my own thoughts making up stories about people around. 

"Aren't you getting down??” I heard the girl standing next to me say (in Telugu of-course). 

I looked at her blankly, wondering with whom she was speaking. In the next couple of seconds, I looked at her, top to bottom and made up who she could be. A not so fashionable dressing style, a old college bag, a not so expensive (brand-less too) sandals.....she is just an average girl I thought and wondered if she had a hard life. 

"You need to get down here!” She said again (she spoke to me in Telugu all the while).

"WHAT??" I said bewildered that she was actually speaking to me.

"This is the last stop....you need to get down, now." She said.

I gave a quick glance inside the bus and realized that apart from me and her, the bus was empty. She was right. I had to get down. I looked outside the window and said aloud more to myself, "This is not where I have to get down. My home is not here."

"Where do you live?"she asked.

"Sr nagar.......You see, I never travelled in a bus...I do not know which way I should go now..." I told her...again I was talking more to myself then her.

"I can tell you, which bus you need to take now....there is this bus stop a fore long from here".....(blah blah blah) she kept on speaking.

"Okay! I can go." I told her but silently was cursing myself, for putting myself in such a strange place. I mean it was not really a strange place. It was the Secunderabad railways station...with just a couple of hundred people walking in all directions possible. Its fun to watch people but to be lost in a crowd, is not as fun as I thought it would be.

May be I should call Paddu....I was thinking, when I realized that the girl held my wrist as she walked me ahead.

I was surprised ......She din’t had to stop her work to help me out...I was actually rude to her...well in my thoughts at least....

"This area is not safe. There are idiots everywhere. You need to be very careful", I heard her say, as she guided me carefully & tactfully avoiding a guy who could have accidentally (well ?) brushed against my hand(?)...

"Well. Here we are. You need to take the bus no...You will reach your place in 30 minutes..." blah blah she went on again.

"What's your name? What do you do?" I asked her...intrigued with her kind personality.

"My name is S (.......I forgot).  I am doing MBA at (....I forgot the name of her school)", she said.

But I remember one thing....She said the name of one of the top most colleges for MBA in Hyderabad. I was totally impressed. She was no average girl....Some one way better than me and way more humble & kinder than me and most probably a year or two younger than me.

"I need to go now. You see that bus there...? You should be boarding it now…take care…Bye" she said as she went back to bus stop we came from.

I took a couple of steps towards the bus I had to get on. When I realized that I forgot to thank her, I turned around hoping to find her. But no matter how hard I looked around, I could not find her. She was lost in the crowd. For a second, I wondered if she was actually an angel....damn! I love to believe that I live in a mystical world. Actually, I think I do.

I smiled at my stupidity...at my arrogance...at my pride as I boarded the bus she asked me to and called paddu.

"Hey guess where am I?"

"Home?" she said.

"No! I am at the railway station...I was actually lost!", I told her excited.

"But ……..how?"

"I do not know. I took the bus you told me too...its 113 K or something?"

"Oh no! You need to take 113 Y...." she said.

"...do alphabets matter?"

"Of course! They do."

___________________________________________________

Travelling in the bus was never the same again. I became kinder to the people around me, each time I travelled in a bus. And each time someone told me a "Thank you"...I would think of the stranger who deserved one for not only helping me that day but also for teaching me the most important lesson of my life i.e. 'not to judge a person by their appearance and also to be kind & humble'. 

bucket list-winking at a stranger

Me: I need to wink at a stranger.
Sru: What???
Me: It's been in my bucket list for too long.
Sru: No. You won't.
Me: Why not?
Sru: It is not appropriate.
Me: Well. Just once? :(
Sru: NO.
.
.
.
.
.
Me: Hey! I am not going to wink at any stranger.......
Sru: Good!
Me: I mean...I am not going to wink at ANY stranger...but a good looking cop!
Sru: NO.
Me: YES.
.
.
.
.
PS: I am not going to remind Sru of the speed limits if she is speeding anymore.And I think State troopers are super..Cool ;) 

Stay calm

...........I keep telling myself. But this is so tough. I do not want to do this. I am not motivated at all. Maybe I am afraid I will not be doing it the way I expect. But whats the point of me worrying when I haven't even taken the first step towards it?? Like Bryan used to tell me, no matter how many times he tells me I can do it...I can not do it unless I trust myself. I can not win if I doubt. I just need to stay focused trust myself and trust the trust others have shown in me. This is one last challenge for this phase of my life and I am not going to let myself be the reason to not be successful at something so precious in my life.

I need to let go my inhibitions and believe in myself and stay focused. When this is over, I wioll have a story to tell and I better make it a happy one.

Arrrrghhhhhhh....Stop procrastinating. Do what you got to do.

I see you there...it's your responsibility now, to be there. 

-the inner you.

Know your fundamental duties

Pic courtesy: Internet (I owe no rights on this Picture)

Though I'm a self proclaimed World Citizen, there is no denying the fact that the reason  for being one, is because of the ideals the country I was born in taught me. Blah blah...I have so much to write about this topic but I do not want to write something negative, at least on I-Day. 

Here goes the Fundamental duties set by the Indian constitution to refresh the memory of myself and people like me. Let's make sure, we incorporate these duties in our daily routine, to make India the country we all truly believe is and can be. 

[Cut-Copied-Pasted from: http://indiacode.nic.in/coiweb/amend/amend42.htm]

51A.   Fundamental  duties.-It shall be the duty of every  citizen  of
India---

(a)  to  abide  by  the   Constitution   and  respect  its  ideals  and
institutions, the National Flag and the National Anthem;

(b) to cherish and follow the noble ideals which inspired our national
struggle for freedom;

(c)  to  uphold  and protect the sovereignty, unity and  integrity  of
India;

(d) to defend the country and render national service when called upon
to do so;

(e) to promote harmony and the sprit of common brotherhood amongst all
the people of India transcending religious, linguistic and regional or
sectional  diversities;   to  renounce  practices   derogatory  to  the
dignity of women;

(f) to value and preserve the rich heritage of our composite culture;

(g) to protect and improve the natural environment including forests,
lakes,  rivers  and  wild  life, and to  have  compassion   for  living
creatures;

(h)  to  develop  the  scientific temper, humanism and  the  sprit  of
inquiry and reform;

(i) to safeguard public property and to abjure violence;

(j)  to  strive  towards excellence in all spheres of  individual  and
collective  activity  so  that the nation constantly rises  to   higher
levels of endeavour and achievement.".

12.   Amendment of article 55.-In article 55 of the Constitution,  for
the  Explanation,  the  following Explanation  shall  be   substituted,
namely:-

`Explanation.-In  this article, the expression "population" means the
population  as  ascertained at the last preceding census of which  the
relevant figures have been published:

Provided  that the reference in this Explanation to the last preceding
census  of which the relevant figures have been published shall, until
the  relevant  figures for the first census taken after the year  2000
have been published, be construed as a reference to the 1971 census.'.

Kali - The story of growing up with an angel.

If I say Kali is my little baby sister with an innocent loving heart, it would be a complete understatement. She has been taking many roles in my life, somtimes  being a baby with unconditional love and innocent demands to a highly understanding matured individual with a unique personality.

By the time I was born she was already five and to her I was a doll with life. She not only assumed to have all rights on me but also took up the responsibility of caring me with utmost love, even before I was born. My mom always tells me that she would never drink her glass of milk unless my mom put a glass near her baby bump and assured her the baby (yay! that's me!) did.

When I was three years old and Though there was always a difference of five years that exited between us....we both were more like twins. We both went to the same school, we both sat beside each other and we both learned the alphabets and the numbers together. If there is any faint memory of my early childhood that would be me and Kali sitting beside each other and sharing our lunch boxes at school. She was my best friend and companion, I realized it then or not.

When I was about five, Kali was no more my classmate. I do not know if I ever asked my mom as to why she can't be studying with me anymore or not. She went to a different school and I went to the same old one.

A couple of years  later, I realized how different we both were. We still played together but I got to dominate her all the time. She was more like a little sister to me now and she would obdeiently do whatever I asked her to. She was never a competetion and there was no sister rivalry between us. The relationship with Sru was totally a normal elder sis-younger sis relationship and the age differenece between us always kept our worlds apart. Sru could be the guide, caring sis ready to take the role of mom, friend rarely and of all, a role model to follow. But the relationship with Kali was different. She loved me too much and I took it for granted. She was different I thought or may be the 8-ish year old me could not realize that her mental growth was slower unlike most of us.

As we grow older....the commoness that once existed between us vanished. By my early teen years, I was used to explaining all of my friends and anyone new I met about what Downsyndrome was and is. Never for once did I feel irritatred or saddened to explain though I always wondered how IGNORANT people can be. Sru would tell me that if it was not for Kali in our lives, probably we could have  belonged to the ignorant set of people too or most probably our knowledge of what Down syndrome would have been limited to the one or two lines we read in our General schooling. Which said not much except that it was Trisomy of Chromosome 21 or in simple words Kids with DS have an extra chromosome. That is, they have 47 chromosome instead of  normal 46. 

I took it as my responsibility to tell everyone how special that one extra chromosome meant. It is just not an extra chromosome that Kali had. She had more empathy, kindness and genuine love for anybody and everybody she ever met/meets. She could never hurt anyone. The only time I saw pure evilness in her was when she hit an already dead rat with a stick and expressed how relieved she was that it was dead, as she was scared of it wandering in our home since the last two days. Anger, love, want, need, pain, grief...or any other emotion she ever expressed they were always genuine.

By my mid teen years, I realized what an idiot I was to take Kali for granted. I always made sure to never hurt her ever again but to be frank there were a couple of instances when I was rude to her just because I was frustrated with something else. But never for once she was rude to me. Her love & care for me never changed but only evolved.When someone loves you unconditionally and never shows a hint of doubt on whether you have similar feelings towards them, you just can't help but love them the way they truly deserve. 

 As I grow older kali became a baby....a kid with maybe a mental age of 4-5 years  sometimes, 8 years sometimes , and sometimes way beyond imaginable. Like most DS kids, Kali has a problem with her speech. Speech therapy, two-three decades ago was not so common in India. The speech that she is capable of now is all due to efforts of her never-give-up attidue. Almost everday she adds up a new word to her vocabulary and she always gets elated with her little victory. If she decides to accomplish something she does without any hesitation. She always finds a way to express her feelings or opinions. There are times when she can't and she would feel frustrated but then a little bit of patience from us and herself, she does find a way to express it. 

Kali is also an all rounder and an eternal learner. She loves watching television and also loves learning from it. She has learnt more hindu mythology & culture, then I did by watching movies. Strangely, she has no language restrictions. She can watch a english/hindi/telugu and even tamil sometimes and totaly grasp what they are speaking. She is just a proof, that communication is done not just through words spoken. Oh, by the way she watched Air force One movie a couple of hundred times. She loves explaining me what each of the character looks like and does in that movie. She has an amazing memory too. 

Kali is a techie too. Computers, mobile phones, games, Iphones, cameras and Ipads....She taught me more than I taught her. If I ever was too impatient to teach her something, she found a way to teach herself. As most DS kids would, she learnt from imitation or looking at others. Kali also has more medals and certificates then I do. She has attended a number of special schools for Kids with special needs. Kali realizes that she is different and we make sure she knows she is the most sweetest, most beautiful and most lovliest person on the planet. 

Kali is idealistic too. Probably she never forgot the lessons of  share-your-happiness-with-others, mom taught us as kids. She loves to share her chocolates, toys and anything she loves with her friends. The way to make her truly happy is not to buy a candy for her but for the 70-80 friends of her, at the Rehab institute. 

Making Kali happy is what makes me and my family happy. Her wishes can be small like a new book/pen to going to a school in USA. A red car, a home with an elevator, visiting Delhi, visting USA etc are just a couple of wishes we were lucky enough to fulfill for her. But there are many more she wishes for. And I wish for only one thing, which is to make her wishes and wishes of people like her come true. No matter what I  try to do for them , I can never match up to what they do for the world. They are the  true propagators of humanity duely ignored by most of us. 

Compliments? ....err no thanks.

The worst thing about being complimented is that it makes me feel low.

Being aknowledged for a smile or attitude or anything is such a nice thing, right? But for me I feel so scared when someone actually says they like me for so and so reason. It's like telling me if you don't smile I do not like you....if you din't take pretty pictures you are boring ....without your sweet tone you would sound horrible and so on.

This is me thinking in a absolutely stupid way and my fears are totally wrong. But deep down I do not like the fact that strangers find it easy to be friends with me without even knowing me enough.

Anything and everything I do, is for myself and I only do it to be in a place I feel comfortable. Fortunately the place I feel comfortable to be in, is also the place you would feel the same. If I really like you........I would share the true side of my personality which is filled with more :~( 's then :~)'s and  more of my fears than more of happy stories.

If you haven't yet understood what I am trying to write here........it's called ramblings. :) I think it would be much more cooler to have a few friends who would stand by me during the ups and downs of my life....during my :~D and D~: times and who could compliment me as well as help me understand my shortcomings.

Choices

I believe that the choices we take, make us the person we are. There is never a situation or an issue in life that doesn't present itself without options. But yet, we let ourselves assume that we have been helplessly put in a situation that we did not wanted to be in. Because, as humans we always tend to find excuses....excuses to blame someone/something other than ourselves as we are afraid of losing.

There is a very thin line between winning and losing. Wining is also not giving up your sincere attempts on reaching your goals and losing is just giving up hope. Once we realize this simple truth, we no longer are afraid of failing and no longer in search of excuses. If we can truly believe in that one dream that's close to our heart and put in all the right efforts to make it true, it's going to come true. All, we got to do is believe, be brave and not give up.

When you lose something that meant everything to you...it gives you a power...a power that gives you the courage to start over all over again, this time without the fear of falling down. For reasons good or bad, my life so far, has taught me that there is nothing I could lose without gaining something else. And that there is nothing I could gain with the fear of losing. 

Choices are just that.....an opportunity that gets you to the point, where life either offers you what you wanted or what you needed. It's just a win-win situation, all the time. But I hated making choices, since I was a kid. It all started with a candy/cookie, coke/Pepsi, movie/music, science/maths, arranged marriage/love marriage and so on. It wasn't easy to decide but again it din't really matter much until I realized how each of this little choice I made, ended up making me the person I am.  And once I got aware of the fact that the choices I made, gave me my unique identity it just got terribly difficult to make one....especially when life started to offer those serious options like  masters/job, India/US, career/love, career/dreams and so on........which would ultimately shape not just me as a person but the life I have to live.

I unlike most people chose what I loved to do and not what practically seemed sensible. I almost had everything figured out and then I chose to leave everything behind and start afresh. It could have been the most stupid decision of my life....but maybe this is what I truly want to do in life...face my fears and having that dream, is just like having that tiny speck of light at the end of the tunnel. It's going through this tunnel that really matters and I am going to not give up this path  I chose for myself. Most importantly, I have to stop finding excuses for taking choices that put me at this phase of life where in, facing my fears is inevitable instead of one that offered a secured-constant-easy life.

And if you are wondering what my fears are....it is the fear of Uncertainty.

The uncertainty of finding true love, the uncertainty of believing in true love, the uncertainty of finding a career I love, the uncertainty of fulfilling my goal and so on................And the only way to get over it is by taking choices that exposes me to uncertainty that is for certain. :)

PS: 


Make a choice and pursue it, embracing fully and acknowledging freely the uncertainty that surrounds it.-Joel Bryant, contemporary African-American Christian life coach


It's raining and what else could be the right time to introspect?  :) 

You can share with me what your fears are, if any?